Now to the news.

Tonight's top story:

Thousands of carbon units took to the streets today in celebration of America's latest defeat.  The declaration of loss in the United States'  war against the tiny Arab Emirate of Abu Dhabi was greeted with cheers across the nation today.  No one knows what actually sparked the 36-hour conflict but ever since Congress made it illegal for America to win a war, nations have been lining up to give Uncle Sam a spanking.

In Related news:

Congress has formed a permanent committee to determine when a war should be declared lost.

Senator Kennedy commented, "For too long it has been left to events on the battlefield to determine whether a war is won or lost.  No more.  Defeat belongs to the defeatists."

        

The New York Times, CAN, NBC and CBS have all editorialized against this committee saying that the right to declare defeat belongs to the press and shall not be infringed upon. In a separate statement, Geraldo Rivera said that only he has sufficient battlefield experience to know when a war is lost.

In an effort to save our soldiers from the embarrassment of constantly losing wars there has been an ongoing discussion to form a committee to study the possibility of out-sourcing our military actions.

Both China and India have expressed an interest, but because they both have non-Caucasian populations, some in Congress said this might have a demoralizing effect on carbon units of hue both here and abroad.

There have even been suggestions that this is just another example of exploitation of third world ethnics by Euro-American males.  France, on the other hand, has been suggested by many as the ideal choice for "surrender surrogate" as France is by far the most experienced in handling sophisticated surrender situations.

On the International front:

A Beirut hospital was blown up today by Islamo-naughties.

The good news is that 84 patients no longer require long-term health care.

In regional news;

A class action suit was won today by child molesters against the parents of the children they molested. 

The court's decision was that disparaging remarks made by the parents caused the molesters irreparable harm. 

 In Vermont, a law was passed saying that the parents of molested children can be charged with criminal entrapment. The law states that the parents of young children have an obligation to shield pedophiles from exposure to their children. Without their negkigence, it is obvious that no crime would have taken place.

In education news:

The Association of Ivy League History professors issued a statement that no hueless, Christian, male carbon unit ever made any worthwhile contribution to Western Civilization and that all history books should be amended to reflect this.  For example, new textbooks will state that Imam Abdul Newton was the father of modern physics and the Declaration of Independence was written by Tomas Rodriguez De Jeffersonian.  It was written in Spanish. Rufus Washington led the Continental Army.  It was the original Black Watch. 

And, Abigail Lincoln freed the slaves.

Also in education news:

Years of experience (or even a job) are no longer required to gain tenure.  To provide a steady supply of new ideas in the education of our youth, all that will be required is the desire to someday teach.

Simply apply to an educational institution and say that you once thought about teaching and you will be eligible for a job from which you cannot be fired.  

Just in, teachers in California have been given the power to administer heroin to unruly students.  For those times when Ritalin just isn't enough.

The San Francisco City Council today passed an ordinance making homosexuality mandatory.  It then declared it was seceding from the Union. This was followed by an application to Washington for foreign aid.

In Los Angeles County, 137,000,000 illegal immigrants protested over-crowded conditions today.  They complained that they were running out of places to throw their trash.

In related news, the 9th Circuit Court declared California's litter laws unconstitutional for being discriminatory against Hispanic culture.

A group of UCLA Art Professors found a solution by renaming "littering".  It is now called "participatory landscaping".  The Los Angeles Department of Tourism has embraced this concept with great enthusiasm.  Their new public relations campaign will start with the announcement that L.A. boasts the largest collection of participatory landscaping north of the Mexican border.

Also from California, a law was passed making it illegal for parents to correct their children.

A spokes-carbon unit from the state said, "too many children have lost their right of free expression due to the unwarranted restrictions placed on them by abusive parents." 

 

In New York, an ordinance was passed banning public exhaling.  It is designed to protect the public from second-hand air.

On the political front:

The office of "Should-have-been-president" was made official today. This gives congressional authorization for carbon units who lost a presidential election to behave as if they actually won. 

Should-have-been-president Al Gore said it was about time.

Jimmy Carter was named as the both worst president and the worst should-have-been-president of the twentieth century.

Should-have-been-president John Kerry announced that he had changed his mind once again and is going to run for president. "I decided to run after I decided not to run after I decided to run".  He promised that, if elected, his presidency would be an example of decisiveness and firm commitment.

There has been a great deal of controversy over whether his recent trip to Iraq entitles him to call himself an Iraqi War Vet. When it was suggested he was little more than a tourist, he replied, "What difference does it make? I was little more than a tourist in Viet Nam."

Should-have-been-president Kerry then announced he was receiving his fourth Purple Heart for having a door slammed in his face by a uneducated paratrooper from the 75th Ranger Regiment who insisted he was not stuck in Iraq. 

Former president and, according to his ardent supporters, should-have-been-president-for-life Bill Clinton announced the publication of his book on how to have a successful marriage, "It Takes a Harem".

Hillary Clinton, in a statement about her rival Barrack Hussein Obama said today, "It shouldn't matter whether or not he was educated in a Pakistani school for terrorists or whether he was named after the worst butcher in the Middle East. We should only look at his character and experience or lack thereof."

"Just because his father was a Mau Mau terrorist who raped and murdered nuns and cannibalizd hueless carbon units should have no bearing on anyone's vote. I will not exploit the fact that he will probably appoint Osama Bin Laden as Secretary of Homeland Security.

" I believe he will make a great president in another eight or twelve years. But, if by some misfortune of divine justice he should receive our party's nomination, I will, after checking to make sure the Republicans don't have an opening, join my fellow Democrats in singing 'Obama Ram a Ding Dong'."

 

In Sports:

The NBA was arrested today for pretty much everything.  This comes after the shocking news that the NFL is being released on bail.

In Religion:

Christianity, in an attempt to fight back against constant attacks by the ACLU, tried to make an end run today by declaring toilets religious icons.  The ACLU was forced to sue to have all toilets removed from public buildings.

In anticipation of the court's ruling, public urination was legalized everywhere except San Francisco where it has always been legal.

In entertainment news

Rock star Dung Heep, was forced to apologize today after calling Paris Hilton a stupid, slutty, blond b---h. Thousands of female carbon units protested saying that any reference to follicular hue was demeaning. Mr. Heep said he was sorry that his statement might hurt his record sales.  He also said that he is not a hateful carbon unit  and he believes his verbal outburst was the result of mental abuse he suffered at the hands of those parents whose children he molested before he became a star when he was still an unknown pile of crap.

He then amended his statement to say that Paris Hilton is a stupid, slutty b---h. Ms. Hilton said she didn't mind. it isn't her real hair color anyway.  

 

After Mr. Heep's apology, many in the entertainment industry rallied to his side and spoke of the untold damage caused by the hate-mongering parents of abused children.

The Last Word

We would like to discuss kindness. We all need to be kind.  We need to be kind to our friends, as well as to our enemies. If we are truly kind, we cannot help but receive kindness in return. Kindness begets kindness.

We must all turn the other cheek and hope our enemies grow tired of hitting us. And finally, if we are always kind and it still doesn't save us from getting beat up, at least we will have the satisfaction of knowing that we did nothing to deserve it.

That's all for tonight. Sleep well! Remember, your government is looking out for you.